I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
