My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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