and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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