I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
