I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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