That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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