i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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