So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
