Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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