maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
