I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We don't watch enough power rangers
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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