Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
