There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
