Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
