i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They took my balls.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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