Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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