Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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