Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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