she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
