you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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