I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
