I should be sponsored by Trojan
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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