I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
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I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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