Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
