Yo dont text me then not text me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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