Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
