I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
