He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?