nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear