even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.