dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.