I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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