I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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