yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
