I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
