If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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