So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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