Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
