i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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