I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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