so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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