I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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