: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
