i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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