my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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