Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
