so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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