Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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