I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I cut my penus on the lid.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
