my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
