You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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