Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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