I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
