so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
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Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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