god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
