Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Less talking, more tequila
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
