meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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