a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
