I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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