***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
