I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
